Glass by Meshael Al Blehed

Posted on November 15, 2011 by

2


I’m trapped in glass. Squeezed into a sheet of heat-processed sand no more than half an inch thick. The thought depresses me.

I can see you. From my bedroom window, I can see you alone in my bed. I see how you cry yourself to sleep these days. Please stop making me feel guilty.

I have the whole night ahead of me to study every feature of you that I missed. The surges of your chest and the concaves of your waist shaking as you sob quietly kill me all over again. How is it possible that you miss me this much?

I wonder if you can still catch the scent of me on the bedsheets, I wonder if it’ll tear your heart out.

I wonder if you can still trace the shape of my head on my pillow, I wonder if it’ll send you to that dark expanse that you usually sink into.

Though we try with all our might to live independently; we still have that someone that we cannot function without. I’m sorry it got to be me. I’m sorry I was so careless with myself.

Who will remind you of your sublime grace and beauty? Who will think of you every second of every day? Who will secretly pray for you at night?

Who will you share your joys with? Who will you count on to protect you? Who will you go to with your problems? Who, other than me, will do all that?

 

I wish I could let you know that I’m still here, but in a lesser sense. I wish I could tell you that I’m watching over you. I’m in the bathroom mirror as you brush your teeth, I’m in the store windows that you pass by in the street, I’m in every reflective surface trying to catch up. I can’t leave. I can’t leave the mess I’ve made.

 

How soon after my departure will you find love? Will you subconsciously look for someone similar to me? Or will painful reminders slither through those similarities?

Confined in glass, I won’t be able to do anything if he hurts you.

How soon after my departure will you move on? I don’t want you to dwell on me, but I can’t bear the thought of you moving on past me.

 

My remorse emphasizes all the promises I couldn’t keep, starting with the one where you said “Daddy, promise me you’ll never leave.”

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Posted in: Glass