Turning Point by Meshael Al Blehed

Posted on December 31, 2011 by

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It begins with the involuntary spasm in your left middle finger. A spark in your veins moves up from your hand and travels up your arm. On its way to your heart, it ignites clarity into every blood vessel it connects to. With that, your lungs start to contract and squeeze out all the oxygen. Your eyes start to sting the moment you run out of air. Give it one second and then the tears start falling.

 

I am heavier than a cloud burdened with a downpour, I am lonelier than a satellite orbiting in space.

Had I known what I was setting myself up for, I would have quit life altogether. Had I known how much living in this place would eat away at my sanity, I would have severed my ties with everyone and left. A crash course in life and you’ll see how you’re better off not being in it. I dare you to deny that.

Safe in my sin and sheltered in my ignorance, I’m just a girl who doesn’t know. I clumsily try to amplify every characteristic I lack.

 

I am timid and I am tiny. I am frail and I am fragile. I am reticent and I am reserved. I am inept and I am indecisive. I am everything you’re thankful you never were. I am not like you.

My mind works to never let me figure it out. There wasn’t a moment in my life where I knew exactly what I was thinking.

Sometimes I think it means nothing that you can string along complicated words to make your thoughts sound beautiful. The wind isn’t singing you songs and the rain isn’t pouring for you. So why are you trying so hard? Why do you even bother with anything?

 

But you are a disaster with an optimistic outlook. You are pure and you are profound. You are calm and you are captivating. You are impassioned and you are intriguing. You are beautiful and you are brilliant. You are bright and you are burning. You are radiant and you are remarkable. You are unrivaled and you are unparalleled. You are everything I want to be, but you seldom ever surface. Is it me? Does my presence upset you? You’re just trying to figure things out and I am not like you.

Inspired by the banality of life, you find secret meaning in anything you come across. You’d find more significance in a glass of water than I ever would. Concentrated emotion, always misdirected.

 

So is that new God of yours any good? Put in a good word for me because I need all the prayers I can get.

But if you’re anything like me then you’d know what it feels to have the darkness fill you up; the light is always overrated. Ghosts of people you’ve yet to disappoint will haunt your every moment. This is your very own personal hell, custom made to fit every fleeting insecurity. Where the shadows of your doubts consume your soul. Three am was nothing but a dream of a better life.

You’re a solemn sunrise and I’m a spirited sundown. That was what set us apart.

 

Analogies and allegories aside, my turning point was a winter night when this average girl realized that she wouldn’t take it anymore. And she didn’t.

I took a deep breath and understood that all my emotional inner-conflicts are just the sounds of my heart settling into a combination of the both of us. I came to see that you are as much a part of me as I am. I made peace with that and the tears stopped. I am no more and no less than what I am; and what I am is undefined.

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