Coffee by Latifah Al Jasser

Posted on April 23, 2012 by

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She stood in all her elegance; the only thing missing was a smile that should be gracing her lips. “Oh! So you’re a Black Tie.” I stated with a smug half smile. “Pardon me?” she asked confused. “The coffee? Black Tie? It’s a traditional Thai Iced Tea which is a spicy and sweet mixture of black tea, orange blossom water, star anise, crushed Tamarind, sugar and condensed milk or cream, with double shots of espresso” I looked up to see her raising one eyebrow as she asked, “elaborate on how I resemble that drink, please?” “Well, you look sweet, but with specks of harshness which is the spiciness, the fading traces of frown lines on your face show that you’re a concentrated person and that is the condensed milk, the rest is only frosting on the cupcake.” As a response I only got to see her looking at me like a weirdo; it’s fine, because let’s be honest telling people which coffee beverage resembles them is fun.

My second victim, was reading a book about nature and stuff; I immediately knew what type is he, a Dirty Chai. My mouth seemed to be working on it’s own accord though, since it didn’t wait for my mind’s approval and started stumbling the words out “you’re definitely a Dirty Chai.” Of course, as a response I get the usual ‘what the hell is wrong with this person?’ look that makes me chuckle, and I start to put flesh on the bones for the poor man, “you have all the hallmarks to a Dirty Chai, you see you’re a vegetarian, but not because you love animals, oh no, it’s because you hate plants therefore a Dirty Chai is perfect for you seeing as it is a combination of tea and a single shot of espresso.” Seeing his jaw hanging open from shock, I almost laughed but contained myself, and waited until he finally managed to ask; “how did you know that?” I smirked, and turned around dismissing his question.

Seems like I’m on a roll today, for my eyes fell on another person who is going to have the honor of being another prey of mine. He was reading a newspaper with his nose scrunched up in disgust, so I called out to him” you’re a Cappuccino.” He turned around still wearing the same disgusted expression, which was seriously getting on my nerves, and stated,” excuse me?” “Your coffee match; it’s Cappuccino since you think so highly of yourself, when in reality you and a Latte are exactly the same thing, I bet while reading that article the constant thought that was on your mind was ‘I could eat the Alphabet and crap a better article’; news flash you can’t.” I turned my head away and left him gawking after me, as I searched for one last victim.

Bingo! She’s a pretty lady, but the kind that’s materialistic and shallow, such “a Frappuccino.” I stated very proudly, “what?” came her clever response. “The perfect coffee drink that resembles you, it comes in many flavors, as you have many personalities, it’s a trademark drink for Starbucks, as you are a trademark for some sort of place, and let’s face it you looked as if you were thinking ‘I’m tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep, what do people want an awfully cute kidney? –Hair flip- I wish people would appreciate my beauty more often’ I’m sorry I can’t help it, it’s just so hilarious!” I ended my statement with laughter, after I calmed down I looked at my last victim of the evening,  “well, you look shocked” I stated. “No shit Sherlock. How did you know all that?” She asked looking astonished, and I had to bite my cheeks in order not to laugh. I got up, smiled at her stunned face, grabbed my bag, and left the café.

 

Messing with people is fun.

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