Conspiracy by Faris Al-Faadhel

Posted on May 29, 2012 by


I always liked looking at words and trying to figure out where they came from or why they are used in a certain way. Take for example the word “shoe”. Why did they call it a shoe? My best uneducated guess (I like my guesses just like I like my women, uneducated to the highest level of ignorance) is that back in the day they used what we call a shoe today to shoo away animals, hence the term “a shoe”.


Okay, so maybe that was a horrible example. Let’s try this again. Think of the word “conspiracy”, right now, in your head, you’re probably picturing politicians, Israel’s flag, and the fact that Justin Bieber makes a shit ton more money than you do.


But take another look at the word “conspiracy”. Take a really good look at it. Okay, stop looking, it’s getting creepy.


Through your creep stares I’m sure you’ve noticed that the word “conspiracy” can be broken down into two parts: “cons” and “piracy”. This is no coincidence. It’s a fucking conspiracy.


You see, at some point in history (I am too lazy to research the exact date), the East India Trading Company was struggling due to pirates being totally more awesome than them and stealing all their shit and, according to Pirates of The Caribbean, Keira Knightely.


East India didn’t particularly like this. I mean, who’d want to lose Keira Knightely? So, in order to remedy their unfavourable situation, East India decided to pull off one of the most elaborate PR brainwashing campaigns of all time; they are gonna talk shit about the pirates.


However, instead of doing it through free-style rapping and yo’ mama jokes, East India went with a slightly more insidious approach: They wanted a way to ingrain in people’s mind the idea that piracy is bad for them, their families, and Keira Knightely. To convince people of this idea, East India compiled a list of reasons why piracy is bad and uncreatively called it “Cons of Piracy”.


Below is an excerpt of this list:


  • If you’re a pirate, you will probably get raped. It’s the only logical conclusion when you stick a bunch of surly drunken men together in a ship at sea with no women around.
  • If you’re a pirate, you will probably lose your leg and get a wooden one. (I don’t see how that’s not a pro of being a pirate)
  • If you’re a pirate, you will probably get scurvy. (Okay this one is bad)

Now that East India had their not-so-convincing list, they needed to coin a “buzzword” to constantly remind people of their list and how bad piracy is for everyone.


So, in another show of immense lack of creativity, they went with removing the “of” out of “Cons of Piracy” and like magic, the word “conspiracy” was born. To serve as a constant reminder that you should never be a pirate because piracy is not all fun, games, and rape. Evidently, through the years, the word became the go-to solution for the paranoid human beings who, much like the East India Trading Company, just don’t fucking get it.


And there you have it, folks. How the word “conspiracy” came into existence. The sad thing is, it worked. Well, except in Somalia. But then again, those homies don’t know English and have probably never heard the word “conspiracy”. Or should I say, “Cons of Piracy”.

Posted in: Conspiracy