Fear by Manayer Abdullah

Posted on December 18, 2012 by

2


On a side note of all the pain my words might have caused you, of all the lies, screw ups that I’ve showed you, I want you to read the sentence: I regret.  I regret dragging you into my mess, this mess that now defines me, I regret building a huger mess upon your existence and making you the main subject of it, I regret that I am addicted to your presence, to messing your mind, and watching you while you stay and endure all of this because of the one fact that stood above us all; the fact that you loved me.

 

You left me because you knew I was selfish. You knew I was too proud, too stubborn, and too arrogant. But you also knew I was too attached, too addicted, and too smitten. Years have passed and I couldn’t recover from my surprise, what went wrong? Why did you all of a sudden stop being the man who is willing to take all the bullets his love intentionally shoots at him? And now I admit, I was selfish. But how would we be without me being selfish and you being there to steady my hands when everything else falls apart? I regret everything. But I don’t know one way to fix anything, not a way to change.

 

And now after all these years, I can’t seem to forget. Not a one man’s mess was as addictive as yours. Your mess is overwhelming; I am not yet recovered of it. And now I am afraid. What if I’ll never cure? What if every time my eyes glance a new man, my mind just cuts the nerves and I stop seeing them, and get back to seeing you instead? What if every time my heart learns how to absorb love again, my veins remind me of how fast the blood flew between them when you leave me at the sidewalk after our fight? What if you are the definition of my standards? What if I will forever compare you to everyone else and no one will ever be good enough? I am afraid. I am worried. I am insecure. I am incapable of control. I am out of control. I need your rage back into my life and I am afraid I will forever be this helpless victim who is waiting. I am afraid I’ll never let go. I am afraid of the number of beats my heart skips when I remember you. I am afraid that whatever I do, no matter how much effort I put, it will never pay of. I am afraid my sanity is now dependant upon you. I am afraid you will never be someone who I used to know, but instead, you will forever be the one. The actual one.

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