2:47 by Manayer

Posted on October 4, 2013 by

2


So, it’s past midnight, and I still can’t get any sleep. I remember when I was a kid sleeping was much easier after crying this much, It’s 2:47 and I have a meeting tomorrow at 9 AM. This isn’t going to be nice. Goddamn it I just want this to stop right now, I’ve been behaving too crappy lately that even I can’t comprehend the idea of myself. Seriously, seriously, my friends didn’t get me Baskin & Robbin’s, I cried. It’s three days before my birthday and my friends are not inviting me anywhere, I also cried. My brother has been in the US for 2 years now and I just decided to cry. I listened to Justin Timberlake’s Mirrors and I cried. Need I to say that I listened to this song over 100 times and I’ve never even felt sad?  I’m even worried I’ll start crying over my boss’s little tiny hands because they’re so tiny for him to hold anything.

 

The funny thing is, I was discussing the fact that I haven’t cried over anything personal for over a year and a couple of months now. All I’ve been using my tears on was Remember Me movie and episode 9 of season 3 of Game of Thrones. And now I’ve used over 10 gallons of tears in less than a week. I didn’t even break up with my boyfriend, shit I don’t even have a boyfriend, in fact I cried about not having a boyfriend, too.

 

Normally, I’d say a girl like this is a drama queen and I’d hate her for life. But thankfully, I’ve been shedding all those tears in the privacy of my own room. But unfortunately, this isn’t normal. And I don’t know a remedy to stop my tears, it’s like a fucking Niagra falls in there. In fact, I might get split personalities after all of this ends, I’ve been staring at the mirror asking myself what’s wrong and myself doesn’t seem to have an answer.

Where I was raised, it is known that crying is a sign of weakness, so normally, men don’t do it, or else they’d be called pussies. (Which I never

understood, I mean why are vaginas used to refer at cowards and weak people while the organ produces human beings at the size of 5 kgs? To me, it sounds like the bravest thing a person can do.) Anyway, since crying implies to weakness, and I’ve always looked at myself as strong, the fact that I’ve been endlessly hopelessly unstoppably crying for last 5 days is a shock to me and is a hard thing to show to other people, even my sisters.

 

So I decided to use sleep as an excuse to lock the door of my room and cry.

 

Oh crap, someone is knocking the door. I won’t answer. I am sleeping.
“Get up! The girls are here!” I foolishly think that that sounds fun, I’ll wipe my tears, I’m too much of an Arab for my nose and cheeks to get red, so I’m on the safe side.
“Who’s this?” I ask.
“It’s me, open up.” I never really understood what It’s me means, me could be anyone, we have this stupid tendency of trusting people who state that they’re me. So I open up. My friend and sister get in. Turns out it’s not me, it’s us.
“Are you coming downstairs?” My sister asks. Well, I don’t want anyone greeting or hugging me so I don’t burst into tears. So I answer;
“No, I’m tired.”
“Are you PMSing?” Hmm, actually if I were it would make so much sense. But I’m not. And I very much hate the fact that everyone blames their period for acting like assholes. And I also hate it when people ask me if I have my period if I acted like an asshole, maybe I am an asshole, get over it.
“No, I’m just not in the mood.”
“Why did you exit our friends group on Whatsapp?” Oh man, people need to get over those Whatsapp groups. They’re so goddamn overrated! And should I say the shit you guys were saying made me cry? Hell no. Oh shit, my eyes are burning. It’s happening, I’m crying, I’m crying..
“Why are you crying? Oh my, are you okay? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, nothing. Leave me alone I don’t want to talk about it!!”
“Is it because we didn’t get you Baskin&Robbin’s?”
“No no it’s not I’m just tired go out I don’t want to let it out on you!”
Oh shit, she’s hugging me, a Tsunami is coming out of my eyes.
“Is it something we did? Is that why you don’t want to come downstairs?” “No, no I swear it’s not. It’s inside, I’m tired, I don’t understand myself, I really need to be alone. Go away, please.”
“Heeeeey! Your birthday is in 3 days, you shouldn’t be crying!!”
I cry even more.
“I know, I know, leave me alone.

 

That was probably the most dramatic conversation I’ve ever had in my whole life.
I thought maybe the fact that my birthday is in 3 days and I’m turning 20 is the problem, but no, I knew my mind wasn’t that superficial, unless it was fooling me like it fooled me once into believing I’m not a drama queen while I truly was.

 

My friends, generously, leave me alone. I stay for an hour or so listening to music, shedding meaningless tears.

 

My friend who just got back from the US, (which, BTW, I didn’t cry when she left and didn’t cry when she came back after a year and a half) comes in. And I cry even more. She hugs me. Asks me what’s wrong, and I tell her that nothing is wrong, and that is the problem.

She looks me straight in the eye and reminds me of every problem I’ve been going through. Each and every one. All the big ones, the problems that’s been crippling me for a very long period of time. She tells me that she knows why I am crying, in fact, what she doesn’t know is why wasn’t I crying

all this time? She tells me that it’s okay to let it out. There’s no shame in admitting to ourselves that we’re weak, there’s no shame in breaking down, there’s also absolutely no shame in asking for help. She tells me that she’s been crying too. For many nights she’s been crying, but she learned to look around her, embrace what she has, and comprehend the fact that there are people who are having it much worse. We might fight with people, we might not live in where we want, but as long as we’re alive and healthy, do we really have to worry? As long as our hopes are dependent on the one strongest and most generous God, do we really have much to worry about? Didn’t life teach us that after many breakdowns, there comes a day where everything is just perfect and in place? Did we not learn to live for that day? Believe that it will come much more often? She told me that people break down. They do. They’re humans, they have emotions, they have limits, and there’s no shame in breaking down. She told me that she will be there to collect the pieces, and that she will help put them together every time I break down again. She told me that she believed I’d do the same thing for her, too. She told me that once we’re done collecting pieces, I should learn that life goes on.

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