Winter by Dona

Posted on November 22, 2014 by

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She was barely living through all of those moments of distraction. Right in the middle of life; all she saw was the clock arrow, moving constantly against time as she stopped in limbo, never letting go of her memories, never controlling her present, she can no longer move, move on, all she does is going in circles.

Her mind simply went on and on…

One of these sleepless nights, I was off work, lonesomely wandering, a stranger offered me a cigarette. I know what they say about these, that nothing is as it seems. I smiled my rejection, but he left it on the bar counter and left. I couldn’t take my eyes off it, and fuck it, I lit it.

Fire burned those dry leaves and the first breath took me by surprise, it had a really strong taste against my buds. I coughed up a little but still took a second breath. It started feeling better, breath after the other, and all the lights around me seemed to shine brighter. I thought I’d blackout but this is not dark, this is so white. I closed my eyes a little, thought of all the reasons why I’d smoke such trash, then opened my eyes to find myself where I exactly want to be:

In winter, with you again, seeking your warmth but rarely finding it. I’ve clenched my fist as I was looking for you, trying to give my fingers a vague sense of warmth by breaking the ice crusts that formed along my phalanges. All it did was make me feel more bare.

I had to go through that night, but when I woke up there was the sun, showing me its mercy by a fire ray from heavens above.

They say that hell is actually cold, but God, I want your hell, so I went back to smoking those cigarettes again, and they still take me to that place where you’re there.

I torture myself by winter, and you, till all my senses dull out, my veins harden in the cold, and you stop haunting my every thought.

Addiction is a messy thing, and I am not addicted, I’m weak, I have no drive, I’m driven by.

 

She said those words to herself as she drifted back into her loop again, and years went by, she never woke up. They say she died this winter, but she was long gone before that.

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