Still by Shahd

Posted on December 24, 2015 by


It’s a scene I am unable to forget; My heart skipped a beat, I hesitated when I heard my middle sister screaming and slamming the door. I walked in and found your body without a soul.

Mute. Everything went mute or did I become deaf?

Sounds gradually increased, reaching my ears, altering my brain with a painful reality.

Tears finally streaming down my cheeks: a volcano burning my eyes, my face, everything it could reach.

I couldn’t speak. What would I possibly say “rest in peace?” How hard words can be!

It’s a scene I cannot forget; my youngest sister staring through the window on our way back, humming to keep herself calm, stuttering, asking about mom.

The world was spinning, and spinning and spinning as fast as ever, I couldn’t keep up, I felt dizzy.

It’s a scene I cannot forget, my eldest sister’s hopeless eyes, holding her tears when she wanted to feel her pain and grieve.

Overloaded with my daily ugly memories, I stand still, my heart cold as winter’s breeze, nothing could move me not even realising my fear became real.

Annoyed by strangers filling my home, walking through our hallways and living-rooms. Everywhere I look I find someone new, I could not relate, this is definitely not home.

A gathering I must attend, meeting people wearing black! “Why must we wear black? She’s in a better place” I thought.

Overwhelmed by my painful memories, I stand still, wishing I could fly above the skies, find Neverland to join Peter and the lost boys.

I stand still while people whom I don’t know shake my hand, hug me and share their tears, why did you come here if not to comfort me?

It’s a scene I will never forget; when exhaustion took over me, my father’s tear dropping on my cheek, his hands running through my hair, reading our holy Qur’an.
He believed I was asleep.

You were gone, forever gone and I needed to cry but everybody kept pushing me hard to stay strong, I was suppose to break down and fall apart.

All I needed was to embrace my weakness, feel my greatest pain and sadness in order to stand on my feet once again.

Instead, I eased their pain one after the other, carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders, I could barely breathe.

I must not follow the rabbit into his hole, I must avoid my imaginary world.

It’s a long way down, I will crash, colliding with the ground. It’s going to be extremely harsh yet I don’t mind.

I cannot live in my head any more, between my painful memories lost and alone.

It’s a scene I will never forget, a turning point I am forced to accept.

Dear Mama,
May your soul rest in peace, in heaven we shall meet.

Posted in: Still